This quote sums up what being in a new, stable, and loving relationship is like for me now… as a widow.
I’ve been practicing the act of surrender a lot since my late husband Ian died — letting go of what I thought my life should be; and embracing what it’s becoming.
I’ve done this in many areas of my life, but most recently in my romantic one. I’ve been seeing Taylor Ames since the world ended in March and it has been an emotional journey for me. I wrote about dating as a widow before and thought I had the answers, but this experience has brought forth so many questions — as well as new insights and revelations about myself, my evolving definition of love, and what type of person I desire and need as a partner.
Because this time my relationship is not coming from a place of loneliness; from a need to fill a void, feel whole or complete; or from past-patterns I picked up from falling in love when I was an 18-year old college freshmen.
This time, my relationship is coming from a place of a choice — a deliberate decision that is supported by my body, my mind and my heart being in total alignment (ie. not just choosing with my heart in decisions of love — but with them ALL).
I’m embracing what this relationship is becoming…
But it’s not as easy as I thought.
A new relationship means opening up my life and sharing all that I hold sacred in it — present, future and PAST — with someone new.
I feel it …
- When Izzy runs and and jumps into Taylor’s arms when he enters a room.
- When Theo and him “bro” out over how much food they can eat or playing ball together.
- When the kids wrestle on the floor with him, just like they did with their biological father Ian who is no longer here physically to touch them, hold them, and do what Taylor has the privilege to do with them here on earth.
And it hurts.
Yet at the same time it feels right. It feels like love. It feels like hope. It feels like a new normal.
I like my new normal a lot. But allowing it to materialize while still holding so much love in my heart for my late husband — the father of my children, my soulmate and best friend — is hard.
It’s a balancing act of letting go and holding on; of creating sacred space to honor both old and new love; and allowing myself the time and space to process the complex emotions and feelings involved.
I’m far from mastering this, but I’m committed to taking it one day at a time and letting go bit by bit as I figure it all out! 🙂
If you’ve read this far you might be thinking that I need more time to heal. Maybe it’s too soon for a serious relationship?
If you feel that way I do think that you are partially right. I do need time to heal. But healing is a journey in itself and I’m not sure when that finish line will come…or if it even exists.
I also love this quote from @Yung_Pueblo that Taylor shared with me.
I have so many thoughts about dating, love and relationships that I want to share with you (and will in due time). Finding love for a second time and figuring out how this all materializes is part of my grief journey — which is why I’m opening my heart up to you.
I hope that this post resonates with anyone who has lost an old love and is open to letting in the new! And if you have any insights, questions or tips for me please leave them in the comments below.
For now, here’s to embracing what our life is becoming…whether we envisioned it this way or not!
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