5 Tips to Survive Thanksgiving (while grieving)

Thanksgiving is just days away and anxiety might be setting in as we prepare to see what the festivities will look like this year … during a global pandemic. The stress over getting sick combined with the emotional burnout of wearing masks while we eat with friends, keep an extra six feet away from our closest relatives, or ZOOM call into family dinner is a lot to take in.

But for those of us grieving the loss of a loved one, COVID is just one added layer to an emotionally complex holiday. Thanksgiving can be a painful reminder of our missing loved ones, our changed family dynamics, and a bittersweet combination of the joy in the present and longing for the past when our love one was with us.

We asked our Community Manager Abby, who lost her father almost two years ago, to share her top tips for surviving Thanksgiving while grieving. Take a look!

Have more? Tell us in the comments!

1) Make space for your grief.

There are triggers everywhere during Thanksgiving. Maybe it’s the empty chair at the end of the table where he used to sit or that someone forgot to make our person’s signature pie this year. Whatever the trigger may be, it is helpful to make space for grief and anticipate that we might feel big emotions. Make a plan for coping with potential triggers to make it easier to manage in the moment.

For example, mine is taking my dog for a walk around the block or taking space in my room to tune-out the overwhelm as I tune-in to my favorite podcast.

2) Keep an old tradition (or start a new one!)

Keep your loved one’s memory alive by carrying on their favorite tradition.  Carrying on legacies that that my Dad left behind, such as running the Turkey Trot 5k that he did every year, helps me feel close to him and appreciate the memories we made when he was still here.

If it’s too triggering to carry on a tradition without them, that’s okay too. We know that the traditions just don’t feel the same without them. My dad and I shared a love of Christmas music and we would always start listening too early in the year. I’ve found it hard to listen to Christmas music at all since he’s been gone. So maybe you start a new tradition, one that signifies new beginnings and  honors their life.

Both are a good fit. Do what feels right for you and remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Trust in your process.

3) Say yes to help.

Support is key during the holidays. Take some of the weight off your shoulders and accept when friends want to help you shop for groceries, meal prep or take the lead on organizing gatherings (even if they’re e-gatherings this year). My mom has been my role model for surrendering to her grief when it’s needed, she doesn’t let her pride get in the way of family members wanting to do things for her during the holidays. Last Christmas, my grandma wrapped all my mom’s gifts so she could visit my Dad’s grave alone. You could see the weight lifted off her shoulders by just that little piece of support.

It is also super helpful to surround yourself with others who “get it” and might not be so merry too. Venting can be therapeutic — especially with people who truly understand your pain points and frustration.

4) Don’t feel guilty if you just can’t.

Give yourself permission to excuse yourself from gatherings or anything else you don’t want to commit to when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or anxious. Last year I got overwhelmed by pretty much everything during the holidays, I felt guilty when I wasn’t thinking or talking about my dad but when we did talk about him I got extremely testy and sad. My survival tactic was taking lots and lots of space from the commotion, either in my room or on a walk around the block.

Covid isn’t the only reason you might need social distance this year!

5) MOVE your body!

Exercise isn’t just about burning calories from eating too much on Thanksgiving – it’s about processing big feelings and emotions too! When I get sad about my dad’s absence during big events, I do a barre class to stay grounded. When I get angry about losing him at such a young age, I go to a cycling class and spin the anger away. And when I feel guilty, like I should have done more to prevent his suicide, I blast music through my headphones and run as far as I can.

Take a moment and get away to do your favorite yoga flow, for a run or walk the dog around the block.


Hi, I’m Abby! I’m the Community Manager for moveTHRU.  I was a Junior at the University of Denver when I lost my Dad to suicide. You can read my story of loss here. Through fitness and moveTHRU, I’ve found my safe space to talk about death without fear of being a “downer,” learned how to cope with my grief, and most importantly moveTHRU and process the loss of my dad. Grief can be very isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. As the Community Manager, I hope to expand the reach of moveTHRU so that more people can have access to the moveTHRU resources and support that I wish I had from the very beginning of my grief journey.

 

How to Support A Grieving Child

I asked my 3-year-old daughter Izzy if she wanted to say goodbye to her daddy. Earlier that morning, her father Ian had just passed away from Uveal Melanoma.

At first she hesitated, but then she grabbed my hand and asked to go see him. We entered the room where my husband lay lifeless. Her grip tightened as we approached his hospital bed.

I can still hear her timid, confused, yet so innocent voice as she softly said, “goodbye daddy.”

We stood there for a second and then she looked up at me and asked, “can we go?” I nodded my head and we left.

We walked the beach and when we came back Ian’s body was gone. They had taken him to the mortuary while we were out. When Izzy entered the empty room she looked at me in astonishment.

“Where did he go?”

“Up in the sky,” I answered.

“Like poof?!”

“Yes, Izzy. Just like that.”

Children are often the ones left behind in the wake of grief and loss. They are the silent grievers. Depending on their age and their social/emotional development, they might struggle to fully comprehend the permanence of loss or to verbalize the complex feelings and emotions involved in grief.

Their understanding of death largely impacts the way that they grieve. While preschool aged children tend to see death as temporary or reversible (ie. magical thinking), school-aged children understand the finality of loss but still might have many questions or have difficulty processing that such tragedy could happen to them. And while teenagers may cognitively comprehend the magnitude of such a loss, they might lack coping skills or feel isolated from their peers.


Izzy had a lot of questions after Ian died. She asked if we could go visit daddy in the stars. She asked if he was coming back. I told her that he was still with us in spirit, but she didn’t understand why she couldn’t see him and touch him. Even now, almost two years after his death, Izzy still checks in to see if daddy will be coming home — to hold her, to hug her, to tickle her and go swimming with her.


Children’s knowledge of death and the world around them influences their feelings about the loss. For instance, children tend to have a self-centered view of the world, which leads them to believe that they caused their loved one’s death. Such thoughts might trigger feelings of guilt and self-blame, and these feelings impact their behavior. Some children act younger than they are — needing more attention, cuddling, baby talk or might even regress to wetting their beds.


In the months following Ian’s death, Izzy who is usually a fantastic, independent sleeper had to cuddle in bed with me every night. Every bedtime was a battle as she hysterically clung to me and begged for me to sleep with her. She couldn’t tell me why in words, but her actions said everything.


Just like adults, emotional memory and trauma are also stored in our body. So while feelings are driven by conscious thoughts, children might express how an emotion feels literally in their body. For instance, a child complaining about “tummy troubles” might be experiencing anxiety. Children might also experience an emotion and not be able to verbalize it at all, so they act out physically.  For instance, anger might be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, and irritability, among other behaviors.


Izzy was constantly fighting with her brother — wrestling, kicking and hitting him. She would also lose her temper and shout over minor upsets. For me, it was hard to distinguish what was grief and what was normal 3-year-old behavior.

I consulted child grief experts in Denver and they told me that it’s impossible to separate out what is grief vs “normal” developmental behavior and that it actually didn’t matter! Bad behavior needed to be corrected no matter what the root cause. For instance, I wouldn’t excuse her from beating up her brother because daddy died.

So, I ended up reprimanding bad behavior but also provided her with coping tools. We explored breathing exercises, how to shout into a pillow to release anger, or how going into her room to color and enjoy some “me-time” could calm her down.

I also realized that Izzy behaved better when she was able to move her body — when she ran around the playground or played soccer. Just like me needing a workout, she needed a physical release for these intense emotions. I’m still exploring contact sports like Jiu Jitsu as a healthy outlet for Izzy to feel her feelings.


Unprocessed grief and trauma can have long-term effects. Research shows that bereaved children are at an increased risk of disrupted development, mental health issues, and decreased academic performance. And in the midst of such devastation, children’s grief might  to be overlooked as parents or other support figures are dealing with their own.

These situations are hard. There is no right or wrong way to navigate them. So, based on my own personal experience and research in the field of grief and loss, I’ve compiled some tips to help support your grieving child (and also take care of yourself).

Let me know if something resonates!

TIP 1: Help Your Child Express his/her Feelings

Children should be encouraged to express their feelings openly or freely. Ask them — how are you feeling? Are you sad? Are you happy? If they are having trouble naming their emotions, you can do this with books and pictures. I love the “Little Unicorn is Angry/Sad/etc.” book series for this.

If verbalizing feelings isn’t working, provide other outlets for expressions such as drawing pictures, building a scrapbook, looking at photo albums or telling stories.

TIP 2: Be Direct

When talking about the death, try to avoid using euphemisms. Kids are extremely literal, so hearing that daddy “went to sleep” or “is resting” might be scary or create fear around bed time.

When Ian died, we told Izzy that he had Cancer. I explained to her that she couldn’t get cancer and that she also didn’t give it to daddy. Cancer made daddy’s body stop working and he died.

This language might come off as abrupt or too harsh for children, but remember that they are trying to process the loss just like we are. The more honest and concrete we can be about the facts, the easier it will be for them to understand and accept the loss.

TIP 3: Stick to Routines

The world becomes a scary and unpredictable place when someone who we love dies. This environment can trigger anxiety, fear and anger as our body and mind respond to perceived threats. Sticking to a routine provides a sense of normalcy by creating safety, comfort and predictability. So if your child attends school, extra curricular activities, or playdates — maintain their normal schedule. Just like adults, children are more than likely craving these types of outlets.

If you are worried that your child is too withdrawn, sad or anxious to return to the schedule, consider lessoning the load and by all means trust your intuition. You know your child best!. But, be aware of our adult projections over the situation. Follow their lead!

I would get so worried when Izzy would breakdown in tears, missing her daddy. But typically within five minute she’d be off playing with her brother without a care or concern in the world!

TIP 4: Give them Closure

For adults, we typically find closure after a loss by attending funeral, memorial service or celebration of life. We often wonder if children should attend or not. The rule of thumb here is to give them the option. If they want to attend, then allow them to. But if they don’t, then there is no need to force it. Although we are probably trying to protect our children from these harsh realities of life, preventing them from attending important rituals or leaving out vital information about the death often creates more questions, more uncertainty — thus more trauma around the loss.

If your child chooses not to go to the funeral or memorial, try to create another ritual or ceremony to create closure. Ideas like planting a tree, sharing stories or releasing balloons with special messages to their loved ones are great options.

I questioned if Izzy and Theo should attend Ian’s Celebration of Life. I honestly wanted that time for myself — so that I could say good bye to my husband free of distraction from my children. So, I decided that I would attend the paddle-out (a traditional Hawaiian tribute to those who have passed on) alone, and my children would attend the reception after. However, I did create a “mock” paddle-out with Izzy and Theo, my brothers and some close friends to provide them with the same type of closure that I needed.

TIP 5: Put your own Grief First

This tip is really hard to put into action, but essential to both your healing, as well as your child’s. It’s easy to feel guilty about taking time for yourself and away from your child when both of you are grieving a loss. But, as the saying goes  — you can’t pour from an empty cup.

If I didn’t make space for my grief by attending a yoga class, meditating or walking in nature, I found myself irritable, angry and incapable of serving my children’s needs. I was better able to help Izzy cope with her emotions after I had leaned into mine.

TIP 6: Consult an Expert

The loss of a loved one is overwhelming and all consuming with the range of emotions experienced in grief and the logistics involved in adapting to our new normal. We have little time to process our own grief, so supporting anyone else’s can feel impossible at times. If you find yourself in this situation, get support! Find a child therapist or local non-for-profit that supports bereaved children. Knowing that your children are in expert hands can lighten the weight of carrying other’s grief so that you can focus on yours.

I enrolled Izzy in play therapy for about one year following the loss of my husband. This was a safe space for her to process her emotions through play. The therapist would talk to me after each session and notify me of any “red flags.” Having Izzy’s behavior validated by an expert gave me a sense of comfort and alleviated some of the concern I was carrying regarding Izzy’s grief.

TIP 7: Keep their Memory ALIVE!

Death kills a person. It doesn’t kill a relationship. Talk about your deceased loved one! Share funny stories about them and keep their legacy alive. Teach your child how to connect with their loved one without them being physically around. I love the book “The Invisible String” for this!

The memory of a loved one is all that we have after he/she dies. Keeping these moments alive helps fill the void of their physical absence for both you and your children.


While Theo is still too young (2-years -old) to understand death or verbalize his grief, he already owns his story. He tells me that daddy died and sends “shakas” to him up in the sky before bedtime. I know that as he grows older, he’ll have questions and I’ll answer them as honestly and openly as possible.

Izzy is still processing her father’s death. Just like me, she has good days and bad days. She has outbursts of tears as she longs to give him a hug, but she also giggles as we look at pictures of him together. She talks to me, other grown ups and children about her loss — how daddy died of cancer and how he’s not coming back. Her grief needs to be witnessed, just like mine!

When asked to draw pictures of her family at school, we are still a family of four. I love this because she understands that despite Ian being physically here, the love never dies.

We are always connected by an invisible string of love.

Sources:

Tips for Living with Grief

Last week I hosted an Instagram LIVE chat with Chloé Pestana on the subject of grief. Chloé and I had met at a New Year’s party in Oahu, just nine months after my husband Ian died. As friends drank champagne and partied around us, Chloé and I found ourselves in a deep conversation about loss and grief. Chloé had lost her three-year-old son Legend just about two years before I lost Ian. Although we were strangers at the time, we were instantly connected through our respective losses. This beautiful stranger, who had lived every mother’s worst nightmare just two years before I lived mine, gave me so much hope and inspiration that we can survive, if not thrive after someone we love dies.

Since the party, Chloé and I kept in touch and in light of the global pandemic, she reached out to see if I’d talk openly with her about our stories of loss and grief. We both agreed that as the whole world grieves the loss of normalcy right now, some tips about coping with grief might really help!!

So we jumped on Instagram LIVE and got real! But, half-way into our conversation, we stumbled over the word coping. Chloé and I both agree that as grief evolves from a place of profound pain into love and gratitude, it doesn’t feel like coping. It feels more like remembering and appreciating your deceased person. You don’t cope with grief, you live with it. But, this evolution takes time, the feelings are always bittersweet, and just like life, it’s unpredictable and varied.

So here are my top tips for living with grief:

Give yourself space.

Grief comes with a lot of intense feelings and emotions (feelings are attached to a thought, while emotions can be experienced subconsciously). As a single-mom, I’ve found it highly difficult, if not impossible to process my feelings and emotions with my children around. I literally have to make physical space to find solitude and stillness to move through my grief. For me, unprocessed emotions feel a lot like anxiety. My chest tightens, my heart starts to race, and frantic thoughts and energy takes over my mind and body. THIS is when I know I need to call the babysitter, make space, and lean into my grief.

Get moving!

I’ve always struggled with naming my feelings and emotions — especially in the months shortly after Ian died. I remember feeling numb and “off”, but struggled to attach any meaning to it. With the simple intention of just “feeling better”, I found that moving my body was the best cure. Research shows that trauma and emotional memory is stored in many places in the body (not just or even primarily, in the brain). So verbalizing our emotions can be really difficult when we’re just FEELING it! Emotion is also energy. It needs a place to go. Exercise is how I found this release.

Listen to your body

Instead of choosing one go-to workout to move through my emotions, I let my body do the deciding. If I felt anxious, I jumped on a spin beak to escape into a dark room filled with loud music. If I felt angry, I grabbed a set of heavy weights and fueled my deep muscle burn with inner rage. If I felt afraid or unsettled, I grounded my feat on a yoga mat for breath-work and intentional flow. Each type of movement addressed a different type of emotion.

Give yourself breaks from being “in it”

When people talk about grief, they often use a wave analogy. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes you choose to ride them and sometimes you don’t. By finding stillness to ride the big waves, I’ve had profound breakthroughs in terms of self-discovery and healing. But, I’ve realized that I need a break — to take a pass on occasion — in order to function day-to-day. As I mentioned previously, grieving takes up space. Sometimes we need a break to go out with girlfriends, play with our kids, and just enjoy sunshine, laughter and being happy!

Share your story

I started the process of sharing my story to raise money for Ian’s cancer treatments on GoFundMe. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this is how I was processing my anticipatory grief. And, after Ian died, I didn’t want to stop . I gained therapeutic value from not only writing the updates, but also receiving feedback from readers expressing how inspired they were, or who simply wanted to send their love and support.

Whether it’s on social media, in a private journal, talking about it with a therapist, or just with a good friend, sharing my story has supported my healing in so many ways. When we share our story we make sense of the insensible. We start to connect dots and draw parallels that we never thought existed. Instead of the victim asking “why me?”, we create our own “why”. While I’ve found inspiration from others’ stories, I know that others are inspired by mine. It’s been a beautiful, empowering, mutually-beneficial experience.

Surround yourself with love and support

Both Chloé and I attribute much of our ability to live with grief to the amazing support systems we have in place. What I’ve found though is that I was very selective of who I included in this sacred safety net. When you are grieving, there is only room for love and support. So surround yourself with people who emanate it! And be weary of sharing your precious energy with those who don’t.

Give yourself permission

I saved this tip for last because to me it’s like the golden rule of grief. Give yourself permission to to feel whatever you need to feel; to do whatever you need to do; to say whatever you need to say; and to just do you! There is no rule book. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are no “shoulds”. You are your best guide. Give yourself the permission to be the authority on your own grief journey!

Check out Chloe’s tip on her blog!

Have any tips that have helped you live with grief? Please share them in the comments below!